Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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