good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
