We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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