I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Randomize
