OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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