mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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