i already hear my dad disowning me
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
