Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
