i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
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I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
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He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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