Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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