My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
