Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
