I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
