Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
