We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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