Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
