When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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