Just fell off a train. Bad.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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