trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
