i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
