It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
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