I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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