if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
