dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize