Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
