the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
