it wasn't lemon gatorade
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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