isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
