I'm gonna have a badass scar
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
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