I need to stop coming to work sober
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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