i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
