You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I need to stop coming to work sober
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Randomize
