It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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