it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
