tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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