She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Drake has all the answers
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
