so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
