2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
