It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You pole danced in your parka.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
