Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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