New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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