Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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