so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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