Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
