between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
