That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
