I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
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