Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
