Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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