I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
