The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
