We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
