i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Randomize
