I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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