Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
