I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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